Lions B.A.M.F Pool

Bad Ass Match Reports

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  • The Longest (away)Day

    Turns out turning 40 has made getting this out a lot tougher than I expected but here it is. Just like Gateshead vs Truro it was the longest away day of the year, a trip to Little Stoke Social Club, in what people are calling the season that will change lives. The main worry as always is for little Mikey… did his dad put him up for adoption? Tie him up in the basement Fritzle style, he does look that sort. But pool was the priority not child protection, so let’s get the games underway!!!

    Stu felt that his performances have been too boring, so this week he decided to spice things up by taking it to the wire. After a good back and forth Stu was left with a tricky pot on the black which he rattled and left it over the pocket. At this point it looked bleak, but in a twist that no one thought would happen, their guy rattled the black as well, the room fell silent, apart from us lot who loved it. This left Stu a sitter, which we had officially seen missed 10 seconds earlier, to make it 0-1.

    Wayne was up next and the Eagle has put his name in the hat for best performance this season with a great finish. A little bit of luck on one shot, but the rest were clinical, especially the black which was hit so softly you could see their team accepting their demise in slow motion. The Eagle is flying high, a feat which gets even more miraculous every time you hear it. 0-2

    Tommy went in with bad intentions, gobbling up balls like free pasties, but left an awkward black blocked by their colour. A heart in mouth moment happened when he went for a Hollywood double that hit their colour but didn’t pot the black. Phew. But after some cat and mouse their guy yielded, lay down, and Tommy finished him as if he was Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat. 0-3

    The next frame was the longest in history of BPL. People left, had a smoke, returned and the game wasn’t even close to done. Phil was playing with the grace and agility of a corpse, looking as wooden as Pinocchio, but when you are as meticulous as Phil, no stone is left unturned, that’s if he could bend over and grab it mind. He eventuallysmashed it home to get us on the hill 0-4

    They got the next frame, so to get us over the line was Dom. He bagged himself another win after his return from retirement. The rocking back on his heal reminds me of Jonathon Edwards in Gothenburg 95, but instead of a hop, skip and jump, it was aim, stroke and pot. 1 – 5 and the win.

    In what we thought would end up being a rout, they managed to get the last 3 consolation frames and make it 4-5…their guy who rattled the black against Stu must be getting some sleepless nights. Lovely stuff

    Next Fixture: 26/11 Home vs Queens head eastville

  • Apocalypse

    The clocks have changed, nights have drawn in, darkness is upon us. But there is one bright light each week, radiating, making life worth living…pool night. This week we welcomed the Railway Tavern into our citadel of pool and it was epic.

    Opening batsman Stu took the first frame with a great clearance. Every time Stu wins the George and Dragon shed a tear, and if he keeps up this form they will be balling like Ronaldo at Euro 2004. Their guy showed some skills but didn’t know the rules, so Stu took full advantage and didn’t just snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, he gave it a back hand and knocked out what ever else they were trying to chew down. 1-0.

    They then won the next four to make it match point to them. Some people when faced with this kind of adversity would crumble, down tools and accept defeat… but champions raise their game, they stand up and be counted, they never give up. So make yourself comfy, skin up, get a drink, fuck it, get the holy water and communion wine out because this shit is biblical. Lazarus pit stuff. Enter the four horsemen

    First to dismount was Gary and he reduced the deficit with another conquest to add to his long list of accolades this year. The match was an exhibition of total pool, a style that he developed in the 70s fuelled by speed, football hooliganism and American sitcoms. The Is there anything this man can’t do… yeah, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about now. 2-4. Should we start dreaming?

    Next out of his stirrups and over the top was Deej. and he was ready to bring the war to the situation. This was more of a massacre though since Deej takes no prisoners, he leaves his victim’s bodies where they lay. After some calculated pool it happened, the black was there, the angle was there, so was the 8 ball, and with Deej in this kind of form the result was an inevitability. 3-4. Start dreaming

    Tommy parked his chariot in the garden and then turned his sights to pool. You could see the panic on their faces when they realised we were still playing top of the food chain, and they were scrapping the bottom of the barrel looking for any kind of morsel to put on the table. But Tommy wasn’t handing out any freebies, devouring them like a slice of Fab’s pizza, so their point famine continued. 4-4, and a 9th frame decider… We’re Dreaming.

    The final horse in the race arrived for frame 9 and their player looked like she didn’t want to be there. Perfect, since Ben was ready to strike death upon them with furious anger. They broke and then people couldn’t see Ben. He was camouflaged in the crowd, assessing the battlefield like a sniper…I’m not sayin a sniper that I would trust mind, but a sniper none the less. He took aim, steadied his breath and pulled the trigger. The black went down and the crowd jumped up. RIP to his opponent…they’re not dead, but it’s not a life worth living after that defeat. 5-4. Start living the dream.

    Next fixture: Away vs LSSC 19/11/25

  • Focus on the Cup

    This week the league took a back seat and the cup was the main focus of our hunt for silverware. The draw gave us an away fixture fucking miles away at the Stokers who are in Div 4. So I imagine they were quite confident, but I don’t think they realise what we are doing right now.

    Up first was Natch spokesman Stu to get us off the mark. The people are starting to call him the engine room since he gets things going. In other news, like a jilted ex-lover, the George n Dragon team keep popping in to hopefully see Stu, they need to move on for their own wellbeing. “It’s not you, it’s me” is actually the short version, the full line is “It’s not you it’s me, that is leaving” 0-1

    They got the second, so next was me, and it turns out I’m sensitive, who knew. I was literally playing a child, but I was the one that threw my toys out of the pram. The constant sledging from my own team was funny…for everyone else, but delicate flower that I am wilted. Post outburst, and after many attempts to lose the match, I finally took one of my chances to get my first win of the season and make it 1-2

    They got the next frame to make it 2-2 and it seemed like it was gonna be a close encounter…how wrong can you be. What followed was an exhibition of dominance. The tactics, the speed, the power, the finesse. Phil put on the performance of the night to get off the mark this season. The game was never in doubt. There was only one shot that took ages but all in all pretty quick by Phil “The Flash” Pope. 2-3

    Dom continued his 100% start to the campaign, rolling back the years and looking like a prime Ricky Lambert. Rovers not Liverpool. The classic proverb “Do 2 wonky things make a straight thing?” couldn’t be answered since we left his cue at home, so we will have to find out next time 2-4

    Deej also continued his unbeaten start to the season. The way he filled the pockets was incredible, the way he dealt with the fluff was composed, and that was just taking his coat off…when he started playing it was even better. Arne Slot is thinking about getting him in to give the team that winning mentality. 2-5

    Gary has developed a strut coinciding with his pool escapades, and a victory has just made it worse. A display of knowhow executed to perfection. We are worried that Gary might be seen in a leather jacket, trying to make jukeboxes work by hitting them soon if this form continues. 2-6

    Shaun is 3 from 3 so far and it will take something special to stop him since there aint no man born from his mother that can beat him right now. Opponents have been discussing the option of making a deal with the devil, but they don’t know that the Devil answers to Shaun 2-7
    🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
    In the next round we have opportunity to beat a Div 1 team at home… and I fully intend on taking that opportunity. Let’s get hyped people!!!!

    NEXT FIXTURE: 29/10/25 Home vs Railway off the Rails

  • Feel the hype!

    Our first away trip of the season was a short trek down to the Feeder to play the new kids on the block, the Meriton Massive, at the supreme sports lounge. This is where all the end of season presentations happen so get used to to it because we will be back here in June.

    Up first was debutant Stu making his dramatic return to the Lion after being in self imposed exile. It’s been speculated over the years as to why. Was it the chance to play in a Tory pub for a few seasons? More one on one converstions with Pagey? Who knows? All i know is, it was a convincing win to kick off with. 0-1

    Just like Grenfell Tower Wayne is on fire. The Eagle secured another comfortable win without breaking a sweat, running away with it… and we all know how much Wayne hates running and sweating. 1-2

    Dom was back on the baize and it looked like he’d never been away. A smile on his his face, a skip in his step, a joy to behold. When he won, just like when a child gives you a absolute dogshit picture, I was still very proud. 1-3

    Shaun must be selling bladders on the dark Web because he is taking the piss out of his opposition so far this season. This once again was a textbook victory with a black that went off 5 cushions and into the heart of the pocket. We all knew it was coming, they didn’t, and it was beautiful to watch 1-4

    They won the next 2 but didn’t have enough players, so gave us 2 frames to make it 3-6 and our 2nd win in 2!!! Deej would not be happy if i didnt mention his amazing pot on the black in the consolation match, but I only talk about the real wins so I cant.

    Meriton Massive 3 – 6 Red Lion

    We are going up, said we are going up!!!!

    Next fixture: 22/10/25 Away vs Stokers (div 4) in the league cup

  • Yes yes yes! It is back

    Yes yes yes! it is back. The reason we all get out of bed in the morning. Pool night returns and we welcomed the Mechanics Maniacs into the den for the opening fixture. Let's go people!!!!

    They took the first frame so in came Wayne to pick up where he left off last season. The Eagle has made slot 2 his nest. Winning convincingly, with no dramas. As he left, before anyone else had won, he said “We just need more me”… imagine more of Wayne, disable his uber one account quick. 1-1

    They took the next 3 and made it match point. Their team was sensing victory, counting chickens far too early, well the ones that could count that is. They began to extract the urine big time, getting the first telling off of the night from Meg ‘the muscle’ Jackson. Smoking a straight by the pool table, shaking the light, unbelievably poor banter from their cheerleader, who reminded me of one of those fish you walk past and it starts singing, but with less dialogue lines. It was looking like a devastating first pool night was on the cards.

    In this situation there was only one name going down next. Shaun had the unfortunate task of playing their top bellend. After a strong start Shaun kept snookering himself, giving top knobhead a lifeline. The cheerleader then called Shaun something which I can’t repeat, because I don’t think anyone should be called pussy after a pool shot. So the second telling off happened when the ref told the fish to stop being annoying, she seemed confused that I called her annoying, but I imagine that seeing the sun rise in the morning blows her mind. Shaun finished with a black smashed home with authority. Most satisfying win of the season so far. 2-4

    Tommy is showing no signs of slowing down in his old age and came to the table with bad intentions. Tommy loves nothing more playing with his balls. Knocking them about, spreading them on the table, caressing them in pockets and he quite likes pool as well, with a great beat down making it 3-4.

    The champ Deej was ready to show some racists how it is done….oh yeah they were racists, couldnt you tell? Check the Bristol evening Post, trust me. After one shot their guy knew he was getting slapped up like their boy on the front page did. The fear that Deej struck into their hearts was based on generational ignorance, in other words I'm cussing their mums. Deej built up a strong lead and even let one of their team fail to put his cue away, which just shows how classy we are. Deej left the black over the pocket, but with it all there for their guy, he folded like origami and Deej took the win. 4-4

    Decider time, and last season's MVP was up next. Gary has aged like a fine wine, whereas their guy had definitely not been using just for men, well I couldn't tell anyway. Gary was on the black, and the top wanker popped up again and tried to put Teacher G off. Black missed. Here comes telling off number 3, and it's the best. So paraphrasing Lemmy 'remove yourself or refrain from talking' and guess what, he fucking did, pussy…which in this case is apt! With his tail between his legs, top dickhead had to watch what happened next. In an extreme power play, Gary approached the table, assessed his options, then went back for a sip of his drink, went back to the table, lined it up, then potted the black to rapturous applause, table thumping, shouts of MVP, cries of top of the league and thats how we do it! What a comeback. 5-4
    🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

    Next fixture: 15/10/25 Away vs Mertion Massive (supreme on Feeder Road)

  • Mildly “friendly”….

    So in preparation for the new campaign, we had a very tense “friendly” against the George and Dragon of Church Road, a team that was bottom of div 3, so a good yardstick to see how much we have improved as a team.

    We all met at the lion to make the long walk down Lypiatt road en masse, even Spanish Danny from their team joined us for the walk, that’s how much people want to be part of this! Our arrival was like a reunion, seeing old faces, everyone happy to see each other, bury the hatchet and all that. Well, when all said and done, do we care about past indiscretions like a little k misuse? Starting the odd fight? A light bit of kiddy fiddling? …Well actually yeah, yeah we do. Obviously, that’s why they are not on our team. Thank fuck they aint in our league.
                                                        
    They took the first game so it was up to our new signing Stu to get us off the mark. Like some of the controversial transfers over the years, such as Ashley Cole going to Chelsea, Van Persie to United, Stu’s transfer from the George was more like Sol Campbell's move across north London due to their similarities in in style and stature. The collective will eminating from their team for Stu to lose filled the room. Tension was sky high. Their guy had a chance, but when Stu sank the black, the synchronised look on their faces was a picture to behold, I could have bathed in it for hours, lovely stuff. Interesting fact is that Stu appears as a bouncer in lock stock and two smoking barrels…sorry that was Sol. 1-1

    They took the next 2 games so up next was Shaun get one back. Shaun had hardly said a word all night. Just like that double hard kung fu guy in the movies that sits all calm, then unleashes hell, Shaun was ready. Their guy even tried to play some mind games. A decision he regrets, since as soon as his body made one mistake, Shaun swooped in and took his soul. 3-2

    They took 2 more frames so the last match was the one that everyone who stuck around was here to see…me vs Pagey. VHS vs Betamax, Google vs Ask Jeeves, a Ferrari vs the number 6 bus. It was on. Pagey potted first and got a few down, he looked very confident before I had a shot. After my first visit, Pagey wasn’t looking as confident, the colours had gone and the black was over the pocket. They were all there for him but he inevitably left me on straight away to take it comfortably.

    George and dragon 5-3 Red Lion

    Next fixture: 8/10/25 Home vs Mechanics Maniacs
    It’s back people!

  • The Grand Finale was upon us….

    The grand finale was upon us, the end of what people are calling the season that changed lives. Its been emotional.

    We were away to the the champions the Shooting Stars, a dire venue with more screens than customers, but the fact is they won the league for a reason, they are a quaility outfit.

    So to cut a long story short, we only got one win, but the manner in which it came is definitely worth talking about. Equality for women. Down with the patriarchy. The suffragettes threw themselves under horses for the vote…Sam doent give a fuck about any of that. He will make any girl cry with his pool skills. When he potted the black it opened the floodgates for years of oppression to come out. If Sam has ever made you feel uncomfortable, speak up. Ask for an angel shot, don't suffer in silence. #metoo

    A great season cant wait for the next.

  • It was the last home game of the season…

    It was the last home game of the season, and it was the Rebel Sportsman that were the last team to grace the hallowed felt this year. We had a lot of bodies ready to play and at the start, I thought it is going to rammed around the table tonight. Let's be having it.

    They took the first frame with a healthy dollop of jam on toast, so up next was Wayne to break bread. Sam has begun a trend of people picking up the white and not letting the ref do it, and it turns out Wayne wanted to be part of the action as well. Difference is though, our ref is a legend and was never gonna call it. Wayne went on to take the match in what the people are not calling a classic. Can Wayne keep this run going, make it six in a row and the longest winning streak of the season? 1-1

    They took the next one, so Shaun was next into the arena. This one also had a little controversy. Shaun had a brief infection of colour blindness and potted the wrong ball but then went for another before the foul was called, B2B style. Their captain said it’s just a foul, thank fuck, so play continued. Was it a mistake? Was it on purpose? All I know is Derren Brown asks Shaun for tips on mind games. 2-2

    They once again took the lead, so up next was the unofficial mayor of Easton Lemmy. Have you seen Star Wars when Luke trains with Yoda on his back in the Dagobah system??? Well Lemmy has started playing practice games with his bambino in a rucksack looking over his shoulder. Maybe this level of dedication is why he has put himself in contention for the coveted MVP title, and made it a three horse race going into the last week, and you should see the state of these horses, knackered. 3-3

    They took the next two games and won, so decided not to play their 9th so we got the final frame by default. Their guy who is moving to a div 1 team next year did step in and play a second game, but me beating him cheap tambourine felt meaningless, probably filled him with confidence for next season though. 4-5

    LAST FIXTURE: Away vs Shooting Stars 16/7

  • The fire splutters….

    🎱
    The Lion were on fire with 2 from the last 2 and we welcomed in another team bang in form, the Old Bankers of fucking Keynsham, for another installment of BPL.

    First up was Shaun to get us of to a flying start. This season has been a showcase of skill from the shadow master. Some say Shaun sold his soul to be this good at pool, that's why there are no mirrors near the pool table, and with the form he has shown since Christmas clearly confirms he sent the contract to Santa instead of Satan. A deal's a deal. 1-0

    Next to land was the Eagle himself Wayne, and boy was it a landing. After some rollercoaster pool Wayne took control due to winning the mind games, and snatched the victory to the disbelive of the old bankers. Their guy, who I believe was their top guy, even went for a walk afterwards to clear his head since Wayne was living in there rent free. Great win 2 -0

    They took the next couple of frames to bring it level so up next to show their mettle was Seb. In another game of ups and downs the mist settled and Seb was confronted with his old nemesis, a black over the pocket, but that demon was put to bed, like the many notches on his bedpost, with a comfortable pot, never in doubt. 3-2

    They proceeded to get the next 4 to make it 6-3 and take the win, another chance missed but still a step in the right direction.

    NEXT FIXTURE: 25/6/25 Away at Little Stoke Social Club, a win would take us above them in the league!!! UTL!!!

  • The quest for perfection

    The quest for perfection is something the human race has always been fixated on. A hole in one, 147 break, a 9 nil away victory in BPL and wow we were close to being in that elite club. We travelled to this year’s cup finalists The Bulldog for what is considered in most people’s eyes, the original grudge match.

    They took the first frame in what can be described as nightmare inducing so it was up to the rest of the squad to handle the situation.

    Wayne ‘The Eagle’ Grouville demanded his time on the nylon to level things up and he did with no problems. Wayne is really finding a purple patch of form, delivering knockout performances, and his pool aint too bad either. Blinding stuff 1-1

    Phil decided his games were being too quick, so he reverted back to type and played a long one, possibly the longest time to take a shot since the clock was invented. I won’t mention the break. But in the end a double excellent win. 2-1

    Some people say he can hold his breath for 30 seconds and he was sacked from the role of the Stig because he was too fast. All I know is Lemmy means business. Once again proved he is more than a getaway driver and bagged another win to show the old guard can play on baize, felt, nylon, whatever. 3-1

    Dom put together back to back wins for the first time this season, showing us what we have been missing this season. Some would say he has had two easy games and they’d be right, but he can only beat what’s in front of him. Proper naughty win. 4-1

    It was match point so Tommy was put on next to get us over the hill and we all know what happens next. Like the sun rising in the morning, like getting friendly service from Christian, this win was guaranteed and that’s the truth of it. 5-1

    Whilst all this unfolded Shaun sat patiently in the shadows assessing the room like an apex predator, waiting to pounce. So when the cage was opened, they didn’t stand a chance, their guy was like a lamb to the slaughter. There is no escape from the nylon. 6-1

    Next up to the hallowed nylon was Irie Gary, looking relaxed, no worries, maybe a bit of the munchies, but that is when Gary is unbeatable apparently. Red eyed and focused. Blessed win. Jah Rastafari 7 -1

    The bulldog’s favourite was next and Deej wasn’t allowing their friendliness to derail him, Deej was there to win but all costs, and to be fair even when Deej won they still worshipped the ground he walked on. Excellent work. 8-1

    A great night all round and the fact they are in the cup final means we have a lot to look forward to next season. Up The Lion!!
    🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

    NEXT FIXTURE: Home vs Old bankers 18/06